I MISS MY BABY! (She's at her Grandma's house tonight...)

Someday, I may compile a book for my daughter, filled with lyrics to all the songs I'd like her to hear....the lyrics to all the songs that make me think about her, that explain how I feel about her.   They would be in chronological order depicting the times in her life in which these songs affected me the most.

It would begin in pregnancy, one of the most magical personal journeys I've ever been on.  I spent every day with my belly, talking to my little girl inside.  I kept an extensive journal detailing all the emotions and changes I was going through, including everything from weight gain (or loss, for which the doctors yelled at me) to hormonal INSANITY in my body, to the hopes and dreams and fears I was fostering for this little being inside me.

Despite the fact that I hate country music, one song that really affected me --- especially when I found out she was a girl --- was this one, entitled, "I hope you dance."  It's by Leanne Womack.  Someone with vocal talent needs to cover this song and record it for me so I can play it for her, seeing as my voice is not good and this lady's voice isn't much better.  Anyway, here are the lyrics.

I Hope You Dance
by Leeann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat, But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out,
Reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance 

 ~*~

When Julianna was finally born, after the LONG 41 1/2 week wait, I was just in awe of her.  I couldn't believe she was finally here. I remember laying in bed with her, holding her in my arms and just staring at her face as tears ran down mine.  I couldn't believe how perfect she was, how absolutely tiny and fragile and wonderful she was.  Sometimes, especially while nursing her at night, I would sing this song to her. 

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
by Aerosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Dont want to close my eyes
I dont want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And Im wondering what youre dreaming
Wondering if its me youre seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God were together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

[...]

I dont want to miss one smile
I dont want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

~*~

I sit and think about her life all the time.  I think about how much she's grown since she was just "the size of a fingernail" in my belly, and now she's a year old and weighs a whopping 20 pounds.  I think of how helpless she was then, how she was calm and cuddly, and how none of that has changed now except her desire to do everything herself, despite the fact that she's like two feet all...and her silly, playful personality has emerged.  I see my little cousin Raylene (who's not so little anymore; she's growing up!) and think about how, one day, Julianna will start kindergarten and I'll have to let her go.  It makes me seriously consider homeschooling. 

Then, I think about all the trials she's going to be facing throughout life in the simple yet not-so-simple process of growing up.  Finally, I realize that someday, she'll be my age.  She'll someday be a Mommy, paying bills and thinking about her own little baby.  It's hard to fathom.  But I hope to be there for her throughout the entire time.  I hope to be her nurturer when she needs me and her friend when she gets older.  I hope she comes to me for everything and knows that I'm there for her, no matter what.

This song isn't about Mommy, though.  It's about a little girl's relationship with her Daddy, which I know Julianna has now and hope she continues into the future.  The role of the father, when taken by a good daddy, is something that I think every child should have the joy of experiencing.  She is very blessed to have a Daddy who loves her and dotes on her every achievement, who is already preparing a mental war against all the guys he foresees lining up around the block to date our daughter.  He's already talking about the things he wants to show her as she grows up and how he can't wait to see her reactions.  I remember the look on his face in the delivery room, when he looked down at her face for the first time as his eyes filled with tears and his lower lip trembled.  He's a wonderful, loving daddy who loves his baby girl --- I can just see him doing everything in this song...  Every daddy to a baby girl should.  So when I hear this song, I cry. 

Butterfly Kisses
by Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;

"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must
have done something right to deserve a hug
every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said
"I'm not sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry."

Oh, with all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly kisses-
I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Yep, I really am crying now.  And the song isn't even playing.  Anyway, the last song that I have on here is one I just heard today.  I know it's about love and a long distance relationship, but I think that it also applies to how I'm feeling right now, with my daughter not here with me (I know, I know, she's only 45 minutes away at my mom's, but...this is how I always feel when I'm not around her).

Melting
by Riley Armstrong:

If I could climb through the telephone line
I'd be there in a dial tone, you wouldn't be alone
If I could turn into a letter in word
that I write down from my heart
catch a ride on a post card

[...]

My watch is always set to your time
My shoes are always ready and tied
My heart points north, longing
For, without you, I'm an ice cube melting

I know the north star knows just where you are
And then just beyond him you sleep, I imagine
I'll try to hook on the sunrise
And you're still dreaming, I'll wake you in the morning

The distance between us baby
could roll up and trade in, maybe
for a moment instead
of winter air to see your breath

[...]

~*~

You may remember the brash, immature "Becky" (I go by Rebecca now, thanks) that you knew before. 
You may remember the fact that I actually said,
"If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to name her Up For Adoption."  (Yes, horrible, I know.) 

You may scratch your head and wonder, "What changed?" 
I'll tell you what changed. 
I had a baby. 
I became a Mommy. 
I found my life's calling. 
I was meant to be a Mommy, and I love every second
of these alien emotions that I've never experienced before. 

I can't imagine anything better in the world than being a Mommy.

~*~

And to three of my friends who are currently pregnant right now --- one from high school who reads this occasionally,  one from high school who doesn't know this website exists, and to a couson of mine whom I haven't seen in years --- I say, congratulations, ladies, you're going on something that might very well be the most wonderful, amazing thing you've ever experienced.

~*~

Do any of you Mommies out there have any song lyrics that you would put in a book to or about your baby/babies?

Hello, world. It's 2007, the year of the...after last year and before next year.

And as January first goes, most people feel the need to be introspective. So, here we go.

What have I learned in the past year?

I've learned the incomparable value of Mothers. My daughter needs me. I need my mother. And I'm sure she needs hers. There hasn't been a month since my daughter's birth when I didn't go to my mother for advice or for a favor, such as "Please, mother, would you watch the baby for just one night so I can REGAIN MY SANITY!?".

I've learned that no matter what happened in the past, it's always nice to swallow your pride and ask for help when you need it.

I've learned that managing a household with a child is a million times more difficult than I thought it would be, and now I laugh at non-mothers who say it can't be that difficult. Ha! I've learned to envy and admire people who have children and households, careers and households, and children and careers and households...like my many aunts. How do they do it? I'm exhausted with a tiny apartment and a one-year old. How do they manage with two, three, four, five children in an actual HOUSE!? How did my grandmothers do it with 8 or 9 around!? The mere thought of it is exhausting. (But, I still want more kids........someday.)

I've learned that I'm not the best at everything I do. In high school, academics were a breeze if I even put forth a tiny effort. In college, it was the same way. And at work--when i did child care--it was so wonderfully simple. But in the past year, I've held my share of jobs. Jobs that I stunk at. Let's start with the Pizza Delivery job. That was laughable. I couldn't remember to grab the entire order along with directions to the house. I had many angry customers. Let's just say that a month there was long enough. Then I moved on to Slinky Action Zone, where I was stuck once again in food service--manning the kitchen for GRUMPY, RUDE parents with SPOILED, BRATTY little children that made me lose all respect for motherhood during the hours of business. Couple that with a few arrogant co-workers and I was outta there faster than you could say "What size soda did you want?" Then, I moved on to Sears. It was a job that overwhelmed me at first, but everyone kept telling me that it would get better. Eventually I'd learn all the steps and figure out what the heck I was doing. Yeah, um, okay, it never happened. Three months later, I moved on feeling so stupid that I still can't bear to think about it. I was not meant to do accounting. Look at my high school math scores and you'll agree--the Becz' name may start with a B, but I do NOT enjoy receiving them as grades.

Finally, I applied and GOT ACCEPTED for a dream job--a WORK-AT-HOME position doing legal transcripts through my computer. That's what I'm currently doing and though it's intensive, I enjoy it and hope to stay there for quite awhile. You see, computers and typing are my forte. There's nothing better than having a job that you enjoy AND being able to stay home with the person you enjoy most in the world. (That's Julianna, for those of you who might be wondering). So for that one, I guess I could say that I've learned to stick to my talents, rather than trying jobs I have no business being at.

I've learned a million other things, but I haven't the time to recount them now.

My goals for 2007 include hopping back on the flylady bandwagon and getting my house back in order and keeping it there, teaching Julianna how to eat with a spoon and fork, and getting organized. And maybe someday moving out of this horrid apartment.

Tah-tah.

Oh, and ... pictures of Julianna on Thanksgiving--her bday party--are found on my weblog, www.xanga.com/vegan15 if you don't know where to look..they should be on the right-hand side.

Happy Birthday Party

Julianna's first birthday party was held today. It went so well! Everyone from my parents' house and my aunts'/uncles' house came, and it was perfect. Juli got two babies, diapers, and quite a few outfits that she's going to look precious in. And she demolished her cake. So, as the proud mommy I am, I had to upload all the pictures and videos that came out. I'm not sure how the videos will view on your computer, but they look okay on mine. I'm thinking they're in my photoblog and videoblog under the folder about her 1st birthday.

My little sugarplum is growing up *sniffle*

Happy Birthday, Julianna (Sunday)!

And Happy Thanksgiving!